


If Harm Could Solve Our Problem, How Much Harm Should I Inflict?

by honeymay0



Category: Ouran High School Host Club - All Media Types
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, M/M, Self-Harm, Sibling Incest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-17
Updated: 2019-11-12
Packaged: 2020-12-23 23:37:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 18,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21089699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/honeymay0/pseuds/honeymay0
Summary: Kaoru loves Hikaru.Hikaru loves Haruhi.Kaoru is depressed.Hikaru is worried.Find out what happens between these two lovebirds.(Rated Mature for self-harm and cutting.)





	1. If I were to Bleed, would you See?

**Author's Note:**

> This fanfic is kinda, mostly ooc, and basically written by trash so.. have fun reading?
> 
> btw, uh no hate allowed and uh I suck at writing so just stick with it and yah.

**Meet the Hitachiin brothers: Kaoru Hitachiin (the younger) and Hikaru Hitachiin (the older). These two brothers were a very special type of brothers; they were twins, exactly identical twin. And they were inseparable. Barely once in anyone's life have they seen those two far away from each other. What was worse (or better) was that they were 'forced' to act as if they were trapped in a forbidden relationship. An incest and homosexual relationship. And the best part? It was doing well for their lives, especially in the Host Club, until one day a very special girl waltzed into their lives and changed _everything_. **

"Hikaruuu? Who are you texting so much?" Karou asked, his head upside down from the bed. Boredom was in his eyes, and it was getting worse when his older brother refuses to do anything with him.

"I'm texting no one, brother." Hikaru replied, his eyes never leaving the screen. 

"That's a lie, Hikaru." Kaoru pointed out, ignoring Hikaru's dramatic eye roll. "Who are you texting and why are you ignoring me?" He asked again, sitting up on their shared bed. 

"That's for me to know, and for you to _not_ find out." 

Kaoru's lips pursed tight, gripping the bed sheet. "But you always tell me everything.." He mumbled softly, perhaps overthinking the situation. 

He heard Hikaru sigh, smiling to himself knowing that he had won. Kaoru heard the soft footsteps of his brother, acknowledging the sudden dip in the bed. He let himself roll onto his brother's legs, inhaling the deep breath of his brother's scent. 

"You are such an ass." He heard Hikaru say, chuckling softly to himself. 

"But I am still your brother, Hikaru." 

"Tch. Unfortunately." Hikaru joked, letting his hands pat gently against his twin's head. He was always gentle when it came to his younger brother and he didn't mind one bit. Kaoru nuzzled into Hikaru's hand, sighing in sweet relief; it was nice having his brother all to himself. 

"Kaoru," he heard his brother say, "are you feeling okay?" 

Kaoru, becoming confused, looked up to catch eye contact with his brother; Hikaru's beautiful, golden eyes fogged with worry. Kaoru touched Hikaru's hand with his own, "What about you? You seem stressed." 

Hikaru shakes his head, hugging his younger twim tighter. "No. I'm just worried about my little bro." 

"Hm," Kaoru hummed softly, "Well, I'm alright. Do not stress over me, Hikaru. You have much more _important_ things to worry about." 

The older brother tensed up, "What do you mean 'more important things'? You're my brother! My _twin_! There is nothing more important than you!" 

"There is Tamaki and Kyouya." Kaoru argued. 

"They are not as important as you, Kao." 

"There is Honey-senpai and Mori-senpai." 

"Of course, I respect them, but they are no where as important as you." 

"There is Haruhi." 

"She.. She is not _as_ important as you, brother." 

"You hesitated, Hikaru. That tells me that you are lying." Kaoru hummed softly again, leaving the comfort of his brother's soothing arms. 

His older, now flustered, twin winced at the observation, his eyes running away from his twin's gaze. "That doesn't mean anything." 

"Of course, brother. By the way, Haruhi just texted, '_I was just wondering.. But could we meet up today? There's nothing to do around here._'" 

Hikaru, forgetting his brother was there at all, grew bright red, "Really?! Let me see!" He exclaimed, reaching for his phone only to realize that it was in the hands of Kaoru. He soon got furious.

"Kaoru, that was a dirty trick you pulled!"

"Was it? If so, I apologize." Kaoru's voice was bored, masking the betrayal he felt deep in his heart. Hikaru was supposed to be _his_.. Not Haruhi's. 

He heard Hikaru growl. _Hikaru must be really angry_, Kaoru thought, letting go of his twin's phone. "Kaoru. I don't want a damn apology." 

"Then what do you want?" Kaoru replied, already leaving their shared bed. "Do you want food? Clothes? Money? _Haruhi_?" He asked mockingly, fully knowing that there was absolutely nothing to gain from this. All he want was for his brother to admit his burning love and stop fighting with him already. And while some part of him wanted that, another dumb part inside of him screamed to run away, to hide somewhere where no one would ever find him.. Not even his brother. 

The older twin stumbled over his words, gaping at the pure pettiness his brother was imposing. "No, Kaoru! I don't want _none_ of that."

"Then what?" His younger brother asked again. His patience was wearing thin. "Did you prefer being alone?" 

"W-What?" Hikaru's eyes widened at Kaoru's question, never once in his life did he want to be alone, especially if it meant being away from his brother. But Kaoru _knew_ this and Hikaru knew that Kaoru was just pushing his buttons, and Hikaru _refuses_ to lose. 

"You heard me, Hikaru. Maybe I should leave you alone. After all, you've got Haruhi to accompany you." 

Hikaru's hands rolled up into fists, frowning, "You know what? Maybe you _should_." He saw the sudden fear and shock fill his younger twin's eyes, and his heart couldn't help, but twinge at the sad look on Kaoru's face flash across his face. 

"F-Fine!" Kaoru exclaimed, moving to his drawers, getting his clothes and everyday needs. 

Hikaru growled to himself, "What the hell do you think you're doing?" 

"'M moving out, dummy." Kaoru mumered, hiding his face from his brother, small tears welling in his eyes. He let out a quiet sniffle, rubbing his eyes quickly while his older brother trembled in anger. 

"What the fuck, Kaoru?! What is going on with you?!" Hikaru shouted. His own feelings were in a mix to the point where he didn't know if he should talk to his brother or leave him alone. It was like he was stuck in the biggest dilemma of life and death. 

"Don't shout, Hikaru. You're going to scare all the maids." Kaoru mumbled again, dodging his brother's impatient question. He soon turned to face his older twin, "and besides, _you're_ the one who suggested I leave." 

"I.." Hikaru stammered, "I didn't really think you'll leave..." 

Kaoru's heart ached, seeing his brother be filled with so much sorrow and angst made him not want to leave. He let out a big sigh, "I'm sorry, brother." _I don't want to leave either._

And with that, Kaoru left the room, walking quickly to his room. Hot tears flooded his vision, forcing him to walk quicker to the one place that will save him. 

_ **KAROU** _

It was a long, lonely walk to the other side of the mansion. Kaoru had a lot of time to think and debate on what to do. He had two choices, either; 1) fake his happiness for however long until his icky feelings disappear, or; 2) confess to his brother and apologize. And honestly, both were really difficult to do. Kaoru sighed, heartbroken and devastated, there was nothing more depressing than knowing that your favorite person doesn't want you. 

Soon, Kaoru reached his old, yet clean room. It has been a while since he had been there due to the fact that he moved in with his brother, but thankfully, it stayed the exact way he left it. 

"Hello, old room of mine." He muttered to himself, dropping his piles of clothes in nearby drawers. "I hope you don't mind me using you again." Kaoru said with a sad smile on his face. The room and him were the same, in a way. They were both abandoned by the one person they want the most. 

The young twin went to close the door, only to realize that Hikaru would most likely appear anytime. That's what usually happened during an argument between them. Kaoru poked his head out of the door frame, his eyes locking onto a young maid, "Excuse me, maid?" He asked cautiously. 

The maid soon walked into his direction, her eyes bound to stare onto the floor, "Yes, Master Hitachiin? What may I be a service to you today?" 

Kaoru looked left and right, making sure that his brother was no where to be seen, "If my brother were to happen to need to see me, please ask me for permission before letting him in." His eyes pleaded for his request to be accepted yet knowing it was a bit risky, he added, "You may decline this request." 

The maid lifted her head hesitantly before quickly nodding, "Do not worry. I will accept your request, Master Hitachiin." 

Kaoru gleamed with joy, "Thank you so much! I will make sure your life in this mansion is a joyful one."

The maid looked up once more, "It is no problem and I don't not wish to have a gift. Yet I do have my own request." 

Kaoru was intrigued, "Oh? And what may that be?" 

"I wish to see my family next week.." 

"That shall be granted. Anything else?" 

"..and I wish for you and your brother to live a wonderful life.. _together_ forever." 

The young male's heart stopped, did he hear her right? _Live happy together? The two of us? That is impossible lady, he has another in his heart._ Kaoru closed his eyes and silenced his heart, keeping a fake smile as he spoke, "I'll make sure your request is heard." After that, he gave her the key to his room if needed, and closed the door behind him. He locked the door just in case his brother were to be forceful. 

Kaoru walked slowly to his bed, laying on the soft, white sheets. His eyes locked onto the boring ceiling, mumbling to himself, "'together forever'.. I wonder what that'll be like."

His eyes soon grew heavy, slowly drifting off to sleep, only with the wishful thoughts of Hikaru and him to comfort his broken heart.

_ **HIKARU** _

Meanwhile, Hikaru paced in _his_ room, re-living the memories of a few minutes ago. They all feel like a distant nightmare. An event that should have never happened, but it did, and that was the painful truth. 

_Did_ I_ do something wrong? Was it_ my_ fault? I just don't get it. Why would Kaoru get upset? He usually is very rational and is quick to calm down.. Maybe it's just a mood swing? Or maybe he just had a bad day. That has to be it. _

Hikaru let out an exaggerated sigh, his mind filled with noisy thoughts. It wasn't until his phone buzzed that he had finally stopped his mindless thinking. "Who's calling me?" He asked himself, his hand snaking around to receive phone. He quickly pressed the answer button, ignoring the called ID, "Hello?" His voice came out tired and a little hoarse but nothing too out of the ordinary. 

"Hey, Hikaru. Are you okay?" A voice that Hikaru was familiar to spoke, snapping him out of his tired self. 

"Haruhi? Is that you?" 

"Um, yes?" 

Hikaru checked the caller ID, a excited smile covering his face. "Oh hey. Sorry. I didn't check the ID."

"It's fine."

"So why'd you call?" 

"Oh! I was just checking in to see if you're okay. You didn't respond to my message and I just got a bad vibe from it." _Haruhi was worried about me? _

"Yeah, sorry about that. My brother and I got into another petty argument." 

"Really? But you guys never fight." 

"Yeah, I know. But he seems really pissed off right now" 

"I understand. Then maybe it's too much to ask of you to meet me today? There's nothing to do around here and I don't feel like dealing with Tamaki-senpai's ideals." 

"Oh sure. I'm free and I'm sure Kaoru won't mind." 

"If you say so! Then let's meet at (insert nice park name right here) Park. It has beautiful scenery."

"Alright. See you there, Haruhi." 

"Bye." 

The call ended after that, leaving Hikaru to his own excitement. 

_Oh my God! Haruhi and I are going on a date! I should get ready! Holy shit! _

_ **KAORU** _

'_Knock, knock, knock.'_

Kaoru stirred in his sleep, his eyelids fluttering open. "Huh?" 

'_Knock, knock, knock.'_

_Someone's knocking. Is it Hikaru?_ "Hello? Who's there?" Kaoru asked, the edges of his voice laced with fatigue.

"Master Hitachiin, I am here to inform you that your brother is leaving on a date." 

"Oh okay." He replied, not really listening.

.

.

.

"Wait, what?!" Kaoru screamed, _did I hear that right?!_

The maids voice came out more timid, shocked at the sudden change in sound, "Y-Your brother i-is going out to h-his d-d-date!" 

Kaoru raced out of bed, his hands fumbling with his door. He flinged it wide open, more awake then ever. "With who?!" 

"A g-g-girl named H-H-H-Haruhi!" The maid whispered, her entire body trembling.

The young redhead's head hung low, his hand gripping tightly to his shirt. The words of the maid ringed in his ears over and over again. "Oh I see. You may leave. Please tell everyone to not bother me for the rest of the day." He demanded, closing the door and locking it again. He slowly retreated back to his bed, his hands searching for something underneath the mattress. His heart jumped when his fingers touched the familiar metal. He pulled it out slowly. 

"That's right.. Haruhi asked him out today.." He recalled to himself, his hand firmly grasping the knife's handle. The young male's hand dragged the knife to his forearms, knowing that it'll be the easiest place to hide his next 'artwork'. Kaoru took off his shirt, the knife now digging into the skin of his upper forearm. Blood followed his trails. He winced at the new cut being formed. It's been a while since he had last done it and he had to get used to the burn. 

"It still doesn't hurt as much as my heart does though." Kaoru mumbled softly, his hands repeating the cutting motion as if he was playing the violin, and the violin was his forearm. He enjoyed feeling the prickle of blood drip down. He watched it make a mess of his sheets. "I should get a towel." Kaoru let go of the knife, going to his bathroon to get a towel. Lucky for him, he always kept a spare red towel just for these ocassions. He walked back to his bed, laying the big towel across the white sheets. He then proceeded to sit on the towel, using his knife to work its magic. 

_ **HIKARU** _

By the time Hikaru reached the park, he already saw Haruhi waiting for him. He smiled to himself, glad that their relationship was finally developing. He raised his hand high, "Oi, Haruhi! You came early." 

She turned her head towards Hikaru, the wind blowing against her hair. (She looked angelic to Hikaru.) "Hey, Hikaru. I just came actually." 

"Oh, that's great. I didn't want to keep you waiting." 

"Well you didn't. Come on, let's sit down." Haruhi implied, already walking over to a blanket underneath a cherry blossom tree.

"Wow, did you set this up?" Hikaru asked, amazed at the wonderful set-up. 

"Yeah. I thought it'll be nice to just sit underneath a tree and watch the clouds." 

Hikaru nodded in agreement. He sat down on the soft material, laying down to enjoy the full view of the sky. "Today's a really beautiful day." 

"Yes it is. I'm really glad you came out with me today." 

"Eh? Why's that?" 

"Well for 1) like you said, it's a gorgeous day, 2) I just had a fight with my dad." 

"Shit, really? What for? ..if you don't mind my asking." 

"I don't mind. Let's just say, he had a big disapproval of Tamaki-senpai." 

"Why? I mean, I know our lord is annoying and can be very enthusiastic but he isn't someone _bad_." 

"I know, but my dad's really upset after the whole jumping off a bridge incident. He thinks Tamaki-senpai is really troublesome." 

"Wait a second... Does that mean you got hurt?! I'll kill Tamaki the next time I see him!" Hikaru declared, holding a furious pose. 

Haruhi laughed wholeheartedly, "Pfft, you'd never, Hikaru! And besides, I didn't get hurt, I just got a pretty bad fever." 

Hikaru seemingly calmed down from his high, a light blush dusting his cheeks, "Hey! I can take down Tamaki if I wanted to!" 

"Hm, I think not."

"Wha-" 

"Not because you're weak, but because you care for him."

"I don't care for that son of a bi-" 

"Ah ah ah! That's a bit too far for profanity! Especially on a friend." 

The blush on Hikaru's face escalated to his ears, "Tch. He's not.. He's not my friend." 

"We both know you're lying." 

"Shaddup." Hikaru blushed, turning his face away.

Haruhi simply smiled softly, "Okay. So since I told you about me and my dad, mind talking about you and your brother?" 

Hikaru's eyes gaped in shock, his hand nervously rubbing the back of his neck. "Um, what do you want to know?"

She placed a finger on her chin, "Hmm, why are you two so close?" 

"What's that supposed to mean?" 

"I mean, most twins or siblings usually fight a lot and enjoy personal space, but you two spend literally every second together." 

"We aren't always together.." He scoffed, looking away from's Haruhi's truthful gaze. 

"Sure." 

"And to answer your question, we stay close together because.." Hikaru trailed off, _because? because what? because we're brothers? because we're twins? but Haruhi just said that brothers or twins aren't as close as we are.. _

"Well?" Haruhi asked.

"It's.. It's because we're brothers." He improvised.

"Nani? But I just said that, that's not how brothers normally act.." 

"Yes I know. But we never knew that. We could never just.. _trust_ people. We could only trust each other since well since we were born together and basically everything fit together.. Um you get what I mean?" 

"Sort of. So basically since you two came into this world together, you basically live as if you were one..?" 

"Yeah! Exactly!"

"Well, that's certainly interesting." 

"And that's supposed to mean?" 

"What I mean is that, that's the first type of response I've ever gotten. Usually it's just, "I don't trust him (or her)," or "because they help me on homework," or something."

"Whaaat? I thought me and Kaoru were the only twins you've ever met!" 

"You are. I'm just guessing." 

"Well then, that means your _theory_ is only _half_ right." 

"Hm, I guess you're right. But let me just say this once, just because you two are twins, it doesn't mean you can't be your own person." 

"Huh? Say that in a less confusing way." 

"I mean, you don't always have to be in your own little world with your brother. Whenever you want, you can step out." 

"B-But, Kaoru!" 

"I'm sure he'll support you in every and any way."

"I suppose. Anyways, now that I've answered that.. I get to ask, right?"

"When did this become into 20 questions?" 

"What's that? Is that a commoner game? If so, I want to play!" 

"I wouldn't consider it a game.. Basically you just take turns asking a question." 

Hikaru nods in understandment, "Even so, I want to play this question game with you." 

Haruhi sighed, defeated (in a way), "Alright. Ask away."

"Okay! So, what do you think of our lord?" 

"Tamaki-senpai? Hm, if I really had to say.." She trailed off, feeding Hikaru more anticipation then he needed. Haruhi sucked a deep breath in before continuing, "He's absolutely annoying and continues to pretend he's my dad. He gets a bit too much in my bubble, but it's not like I really mind. Plus, if I were to ever mention it, he'd sulk in the corner, looking at me with those sad, puppy dog eyes."

Hikaru laughed loudly, "I couldn't agree more-"

"But." Haruhi smiled softly, looking to the light pink cherry blossoms, "He makes everything more fun and light. He's like the glue sticking all of us together." 

The young male stopped laughing, staring at Haruhi, "Is that so?" 

She nodded, "Of course it is. You should know. You broke your arm to get him back." 

"E-eh?! No, I didn't." He stuttered.

"Haha, whatever you say. Now that's a good enough answer, yes?" 

"Y-Yeah." 

"Great, now it's my turn. Let's see... if the entire host club was drowning, who would you save first?" 

"Oh, that's easy! Yo-" _"I can't believe you, Hikaru! You love her more than me?"_

"Sorry I didn't hear right. Who?" 

"Y-you." 

"Me? I would've never expected that."

"Why not?!" 

"Woah, no need to get defensive Hikaru."

"Sorry. You just sound like my brother when he badmouths himself." 

"He does that?" 

Hikaru nodded.

"Well I don't, so don't worry. And I was just surprised, that's all." 

"Why were you surprised?" 

"'Cause I thought you'd pick your brother."

"Mm, yeah. But.." _But what? She's right, Hikaru. Kaoru means the world to you.. But so does Haruhi._

"But what, Hikaru? You're spacing out a lot today.. Should we call it a day?" 

"H-huh?! N-no way! I was just thinking." 

"Okay, but if you need to go, just ask." 

"Yeah sure. Anyways, I would choose him over you, but you can't swim." _In reality, Kaoru can barely swim either.. but he_ can _swim a little.._

"I see. Understandable. Everyone else is pretty atheletic." 

Hikaru nodded in agreement. 

"Well, it's your turn to ask me." 

"Yeah, okay. Do you have f.. feelings for Ta- our lord?" 

"Senpai, again?" Hikaru nods once more, "Well, I respect him a lot, just like everyone else. And he's a really nice and energetic. And he makes the host interesting and fun, but that's usually the same for everything.. Is that what you mean by feelings?" 

"No, I meant that.. do you have feeling feelings for Tamaki?"

"Like do I like him or something?" 

"Yeah, something like that." 

"Oh, then I don't think I do. I'm not really looking for a relationship." 

"I see." 

"Why do you ask?" 

"Is that your question?" Hikaru teases.

"Eh?? No way." 

"Mmhm, okay."

"Jeez, you're such a tease." 

"Thank you. It's in my nature." 

"Sure, sure. Now my _real_ question is: why did you and Kaoru get in a fight? '..if you don't mind my asking.'" 

Hikaru tensed up, _she wants to know about our dumb fight? Why? Should I tell her?_

"You sure, you want to waste your question on something _trivial_ like that?"

"Mmhm! Plus, I'm not wasting anything because a fight, no matter how petty it is, will never be seen as trivial... at least to me!" 

"Haha, you know, you seem so carefree today." 

"Oh really? I just.. loosened up the ol' nerves." 

"Maybe I should do that too." 

"Yeah, for sure." 

"Pft, alright Miss Meditation."

"Mmhm, gotta do what the doctor prescribed. Now answer the question!" 

"Okay, okay. It was about my favorite color, right?"

"What the heck? No! Hikaru!" 

"Fine, fine. We fought because I wasn't paying attention to him." 

"Seriously?? Not going to lie, I didn't think Kaoru needed attention." 

_Something about the way she said that offends me. What's wrong with my little bro needing his older bro?_

"What's wrong with that?!" 

"Huh?! Nothing's wrong with that.." 

"Whatever." 

"No, really. I didn't mean to offend you or anything. I was just surprised." 

"I.. I guess that's understandable." 

"Glad the misunderstanding's over. And wow, I just realized, you _really_ love your brother!" 

"Of course I do, he's my _twin_." 

"I didn't mean it like that, Hikaru." 

"Then, what did you mean?" The male asked, perplexed and confused as heck!

"Oh nothing." Haruhi says, smiling, "You'll find out eventually." 

"Hah? Okay, whatever." 

They both laid in silence, (yes, Haruhi ended up laying down as well) staring off into the distance, until a light buzzing brushed against Hikaru.

"Haruhi? I think that's your phone." 

"Huh? Oh shoot, you're right." Haruhi mumbles, grabbing her phone.

"Who's calling?" Hikaru asks as she looks over the caller ID.

"It's my.. my dad." 

"What do you think he wants?" 

"Probably to apologize. Our fights don't last very long." 

"That's a great trait to have." 

"What? To not hold a grudge?" 

"Yeah. Makes it easier to move on and forget." 

"Yeah, I guess so!" Haruhi gleamed, making Hikaru's heart skip a couple of beats. "Anyways," she continued, placing the phone next to her ear, "I should answer this." 

"Probably should." Hikaru agreed, watching her walk away for privacy. _Maybe I should call Kaoru._ He sighed loudly, tightly holding his phone as he dialed his twin's number. He heard the ring, ring a couple of times before he heard some shuffing, "H..Hello? Kaoru?" 

"H-Hikaru? Why are you calling- I-I mean, what do you want?" 

_Pfft, he's so cute when he tries to be mean. I bet he's already in a better mood. _

"I was just checking in. It's been a bit since we fought and.." 

"and..?" 

"and.. I was wondering if we could talk later." 

"Yeah. L-Later. I gotta go, I'm super busy right now." 

"What are you do- huh?! He hung up! Geez. What the hell could he be doing that would be more important than me?" _Maybe he's hanging out with a_ girl, _like what you did to him. You did basically admit that you'd prefer Haruhi over him. You kinda deserve it- okay, not now, Little Hikaru._ Shit, he felt guilty; Little Hikaru was right.. a little, he was being a dick to his own younger sibling. He'll have to make it up to him when he gets home. 

"Hey, Hikaru! 'M back from my call!" 

_But the 'soothe brother from pain' plan will come after Haruhi. _

_ **KAORU** _

**Meanwhile... **

Kaoru hugged his knees tightly to his chest, tears distracting his vision. He felt so bad, oh so very bad. He knew what he did was a bad thing, a thing he promised he'd _never_ do again, but after the call with his brother, the reality struck him. Now he sat in the middle of his bed with countless, deep cuts sinking into his skin on the forearms and thighs. He screwed up. And what was worse? Each new scar had a little scribble written over it to label what the cut was for. If the cut was for being (let's just say) annoying, he'd cut deep (very deep if he thought of himself as superiorly annoying) and write 'annoying' somewhere near it. If he wanted to state that he had been extremely clingy, instead of putting one deep cut, he'd carve the letters out onto his skin. That was his pattern. His thing. And he enjoyed it. Not in a sadistic kind of way, but in a way of.. punishing himself for all the 'troubles' he had caused. 

He was a broken vessel, a useless twin, a waste of space, or that's what he tells himself. Kaoru _knew_ that he messed up and he knew his brother would be furious so he'd have to cover it up, and cover it up _good_. 

He started by hand washing his sheets, draining the dried blood from the white fabric. It was a skill he taught himself when he first started to cut. Next, he hung the sheets to dry before washing his blade. It was sort of satisfying to watch the blood go down the drain.. at least it was to Kaoru. He placed the knife behind the bed again. Then, he poured isopropyl (alcohol) onto his new formed wounds. 

"Fuck! That hurts." Kaoru hissed, tears coming to his eyes, again.

He finished disinfecting the last cuts before washing his hands. He wiped his tears, sighing heavily. "Hikaru's going to murder me.." _if he even cares. _

'_Knock, knock, knock._' 

"Master Hitachiin? Your brother has returned from his.. _trip_ and he would like to speak to you." 

_Already?! It's only been like.._ He looks at the time on his phone. _..30 minutes. Jeez, do I always take this long? _

"Ok. Thanks for telling me. I'll be out in a minute." Kaoru shouted, finding a decent shirt to wear that will cover his cuts. 

He soon pushed the doors open, sucking in a deep breath of courage only to be stopped by the maid keeping watch. "Master Kaoru." 

"What is it?" Kaoru asked, already deflated of his courage.

"I have a concern."_ Oh hurray. _

"And it is?" 

"Since you and your twin are completely identical-" _not_ completely.. _His coc- not the time, Little Kaoru!!_ "- I figure we would need a secret code so that your brother does not sneak in posing as you." 

_Oh. She's really into this guarding thing, huh. _

"Okay. Sure. But do you have any ideas?" _'Cause my brother's waiting for me and I'd like to talk to him soon. _

"Not exactly. I figured you would know because you know him the best."

"I guess I do." Kaoru said as he pondered. 

After a long moment of silence, he came up with a brilliant idea, "How about talking about formal greetings?" 

"Formal greetings?" The maid repeated. 

"Yes! He isn't the type for formal greetings such as 'Good morning,' or 'Good day today, hm?'" 

"I see! Then I agree." 

"Great! So, I'll just greet you in nice mannerisms, so that you'll know it's me." He exclaimed. "Now if you'll excuse me, my brother is expecting me." 

Kaoru dashed off, not giving the maid another minute to speak. It wasn't his fault! He was nervous. His hands grew clammy and his heart beat in an unregular pattern. Kaoru even rolled his bottom lip between his teeth from his anxiety. He raced down the stairs, counting every step from meeting Hikaru. 

_ **(Basically Both's P.O.V's (but mostly Kaoru's))** _

"Kaoru! I was looking for you!" A familiar voice exclaimed.

"Hikaru! Ni..Nice to see you?" 

"Pfft. Haha, nice to see you too, Kaoru." 

"Haha.. yeah.." 

"Anyways, how are you feeling?" 

"M-Me?" _Fuck! This conversation is going south! Abort! Abort!! _"What about you?? How was your dat- hang.. out?" 

Hikaru's eyes hunched closer, a suspicious glare glossing over his eyes. "My hang out?" 

Kaoru nodded quickly. "Yup!" 

"I mean, it was okay." 

_Okay? _Just_ okay?!_ "Really? You spent time with Haruhi though. Isn't that already better than okay?" 

Hikaru shrugged lightheartedly, "I guess. It wasn't a date and if today was a better day, maybe it would've been better than okay." 

Kaoru's heart shrunk, the horrible voices making their way back into Kaoru's mind.

"oh.." He whispered. "I'm sorry, Hikaru. I didn't mean to cause you so much trouble." 

The older twin winced at the sudden wave of guilt, _shit. I'm going to make more insecurities. _

"Kaoru.. It's not your fault. _I_ didn't give you attention, ya'know." 

"Hmph! You make me sound like I'm a clingy girlfriend!" Kaoru joked, when in reality, he felt extremely bad.

"Aww, is my Kaoru feeling better?" 

Kaoru couldn't help but blush when Hikaru put the word, 'my', in front of his name. "I-I am.." He lied. 

"That's great! I just wanted to.. ya'know ap-a-apoli? forget it! I wanted to make up with you." 

And now? Kaoru's dumb heart couldn't help but race and jump when he heard his brother trying to so hard. Not to mention, the fits of giggles Kaoru let slip out. "You mean, 'apologize,' dummy. And all is forgiven." 

"Hey! I'm not a dummy! And since I'm forgiven and all that shit, you'll move back in, right?" 

_Move back in? But I have cuts.. He wouldn't like to see my cuts.. Maybe.. _

"M-Maybe not?" 

"What?! Why not?" 

"Because..?" 

"Because?"

"Because I think you should spend more time with Haruhi?" 

"Spend more time with Haruhi? Why? I thought that's why we fought this morning." 

"It's.. not?" _Agh! I don't know!_ "Look, I know you like her- Don't give me that look! I know you do!- and I think it's right for me to give you space." _In your heart, to be specific._ Plus, "I was just a fill-" 

"A fill- what?" 

_Shit, I need to stay focused. No more slip-ups._ "I'm just here for support!" 

"Oh, haha, thanks.. I guess. This means a lot." 

"No problem. I'm glad for you, Hikaru. Now, that we're done talking, I'm going to go to _my_ room." 

"Oh okay, sure? By-" 

_ **(Now ALL Kaoru's P.O.V.)** _

"Good night, Hikaru!" Kaoru ran up the stairs, wet tears blurrying his vision once again. So it wasn't that surprising when Kaoru tripped on his way up.

"Kaoru! Are you okay?!" _And of course, my brother heard.. Sigh.. Obviously, Hikaru. I'm totally not suffering mentally and physically. But no, Hikaru. I am_ totally _fine- okay.. maybe later, mini Kaoru._

"I'm fine! Just tripped!" He forced out, already getting onto his feet.

"Are you injured? Should I go check? Hold on, I'll coming." 

"No!! I'm okay! Stay there! I'm going to sleep!" Kaoru lied through his teeth. He needed to go! He ran back to his room only to be stopped by his maid. 

"Hello, Master Hitachiin. How are you?" 

"I'm fine. Good night, maid." 

The maid backed off quickly (especially when she saw the tears forming), letting Kaoru sulk into his room. He laid onto his bed, tears dripping down his face. "Damn. I really do cry a lot." Kaoru sighed, his fingers reaching for a rubber band around his wrist, pulling it back just to let it slap against his wrist. It felt _good_. 

"Crap, I'm doing it again. I should just sleep." He mumbled to himself, his eyes doozing off to catch some z's. 

**Although it took awhile, Kaoru finally drifted off to sleep even though he _knew_ the nightmares would come running it. Besides that, Hikaru was about to have a surprisingly _pleasant_ night filled with dreams of him and Haruhi. **


	2. Do You Still Love Me with All My Scars?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> more angst, more self harm, more depression, and lastly, comfort at the end. 
> 
> Warning! There is self harm and self hatred. There is a little mention of cruel slurs. 
> 
> Read at own risk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING! 
> 
> Self harm, self hatred, insecure/doubt, depression, mentions of blood, incest, angst.
> 
> BTW: this chapter is long

**Before the next morning...**

_ **KAORU**_

_A bright, lovely day filled with happiness and joy. It was a great day for Kaoru; his brother and him spending time together like they always used to. _

_"Hey, Kaoru? Are you okay? You seem worried." _

_"Hm? 'm fine. I just have a lot on my plate." _

_"Well, tell me some things then. Maybe I can unload your load." _

_"Okay, sure! Why not?" _

_"Speak away." _

_"First question!" _

_"Questions?!" _

_"Yup!" _

_"B-But! I suck at questions!" _

_"Yup!" _

_Hikaru sighed in defeat, waving his hand, "Fine, fine._ Ask _away." _

_"First question! Would you ever replace me?" _

_"Hmph. No. But I can't believe you have the nerve to doubt that." _

_"Hehe, sorry. I won't doubt you now! Next question, am I your favorite brother?" _

_"Tch. And you said you wouldn't doubt me anymore." The older twin looks at his younger twin, his hand petting the orange-redish hair lightly, "You're my favorite_ and _my only twin." _

_A light blush crawled across Kaoru's face, "T-Thanks. Same to you. Last question! And this is also the last doubt-y question." He gleamed as he spoke. _

_"Fine. After this, no more doubting!" He flicked Kaoru's head to emphasize._

_"Ow!! Nii-san! Fine, you meanie! I was going to ask if you'd ever leave me." _

_"Eh?" _

_"Will you ever leave me, nii-san?" _

_"That's a stupid question and you know that."_

_"But you might!" _

_"Nah, never ever." _

_Kaoru smiled, nodding his head, "Okay, I believe you." _

_Soon the soothing memories ended, reminding Kaoru of how happy his brother and him used to be. He felt his heart race with enthusiasm and passionate love for his brother. Of course, he_ knew _that he was sexually attracted to his identical twin and he wasn't bothered by it. He was_ ashamed _of it. Kaoru knew it wasn't right and he knew Hikaru wouldn't return his incest feelings._ Damn, life really sucks, _he thought to himself. And maybe that's why he's stuck in this situation. _

_"Kaoru! I can't believe you! I_ trusted _you!" _

_"Hikaru! It's not what it sounds like!! I swear! It was a joke! A joke!" _

_"Really?! You expect me to trust you right now?! After you confessed that you love me?! How disgusting can you be?!" _

_"N-No! I.. I didn't mean that.." _

_"Hah! Sure! You're really pathetic, you know that? Expecting that_ I _would love_ you _back! Hah! Oh, please!_ Pathetic." 

_"I'm sorry, H-Hikaru. P-Please stay! I'll change! I swear!" Kaoru stumbled over his words, hiccups inbetween each stutter. He sat on his knees, thick tears falling down his face. _

"You? Change? _As if! You're fuckin' shit, Kaoru. A little messed up shit. People like you should_ die." 

Die? Did he mean that? _"H-Hikaru! Y-You don't mean t-that.. You're my brother! My_ t-twin!_"_

_"Twins? With_ you? _No way in hell. I don't want to be related to_ you. _Kaoru, we're over. I'm_ done _with you."_

H-Hikaru! Huh? I.. I lost my voice! Hikaru! Hikaru! Please! Just listen to me! I'll change!

_"_Bye, _Kaoru." _

"Hikaru!" Kaoru jumped up from his bed, his clothes drenched in his sweat. His head hung low, tears pooling at his eyes. He _was_ pathetic. Hikaru _was_ right. And he _knew_ Hikaru would end up leaving him. And it would be all _his fault_. Kaoru slammed his fists down, his knuckles turning white from how tight his fist clenched. He wanted to die. 

_ **"People like you should die." **_

_Shut up.. _

_ **"People like you should die."**_

_Please.. Stop. _

_ **"People like you should die."**_

_I'll change.. Please. _

_ **"People like you should die."**_

_I'm sorry. Don't leave.._

_ **"Then die." **_

_I-I.. I don't want to die._

Kaoru sobbed silently, his hands gripping his cuts. Soon, his right hand search for the knife, behind the bed, proudly grabbing the handle to dig it into his skin all over again. He pulled his pants down, showing one unscarred thigh. Kaoru pushed the blade against his skin, smiling weakly as he saw blood seeth through. _I'm sorry_, he continuously thought with ever cut. It wasn't long until he carved the words, 'I'm sorry,' onto his pure, untainted skin. 

After about 20 deep cuts, he dropped the knife on the sheets, crying his eyes out. He sat the knife back to it's original place (the back of the bed), his hands, unconsciously, cleaning the mess he made. He felt hollow. He felt _empty_. Kaoru washed the sheets, placed it to dry, and washed his bloody hands. His hand reached out to grab the isopropyl, only to be stopped by his annoying trembling. His hand refused to pick it up. _What the..? Why am I hesitating..? Is it because-?_

_ **"Don't use it. Let it infect. Come on, Kaoru. Do it for your brother." **_

_Ah, I figured. Okay, Hikaru. Just this once.. _Kaoru retracted his hand, walking solemnly back to his bed. He put his pants back on, hissing when the fabric meets the new wounds. An exhausted sigh left him, his eyes drooping down. Yet once his eyes were fully shut, a sight hit him; his brother leaving him to be with Haruhi. Kaoru's eyes flew open, panting heavily as sweat formed quickly.

_This was going to be a_ long _night_. 

**The next morning..**

_ **HIKARU**_

_There she was; sweet and pure. The girl of his dreams standing on the top of a hill, with the bright sun highlighting her beautiful features. The sight was illuminating, and absolutely breath-taking. But that was obvious; Haruhi always had been gorgeous, and Hikaru _knew _that. That's why he took an attraction to her. _

_She was perfect to him. She was everything he wanted and more. She was_ perfect. _Even with all her flaws and all her little mess-ups, she was wonderful to him. And she would always be. There was nothing, and I mean_ nothing, _that would change that for Hikaru. She was like a goddess to him- wait, screw that. He meant that she_ was _a goddess to him- a beautiful, lovely Greek goddess. Fuck, he loved her so._

_"Hikaru? What are you doing just standing there?" A soft, light voice prodded at his thoughts, luring the male's mind's focus onto the enchanting women in front of him. _

_Hikaru scoffed teasingly, tucking his hands in his pockets while turning to face away from the angel calling to him, "Nothin'. How 'bout you?" He mumbled, a bright, red blush dusting across his cheek as he pulled his hand from his pocket and rubbed his hand awkwardly against his neck. He strolled to Haruhi's side, letting his hand hang weirdly between them. _

_A loving smile rolled onto her lips, a soft giggle leaving her lips, "You're funny, Hikaru." Her hand gently touches the palm of the other's hand. _

_The male's eyes widen with shock, the (somewhat glowing) red blush growing bigger and bigger, his face turning into a bright red tomato. "Haha.. Thanks? Anyways, what're you doin' here?" _

_The brown-haired lady blinked once in confusion, the end of her lips curving into an unknown smile, "I don't know." She stated blankly, her eyes watching the pinkish clouds fly by. "I just.. I was_ waiting _for_ you." _She finished her statement, a beautiful grin taking over the lower half of her face. _

_"W-Waiting for me?" Hikaru repeated, unsure if he had just heard wrong or if the girl of his dreams (quite literally) really said that. _

_Haruhi giggled lightheartedly, her hand carresing his face gently, "Yes. Of course. Who else would've been waiting for?" _

_The young male turned away bashfully, a nervous chill swimming down his spine, "I don't know. Maybe Tamaki." _

_"Senpai? I doubt it. I only see you in my mind, Hikaru." The beautiful maiden said so gracefully and elegantly, yet so damn blunt that Hikaru couldn't help the smug smirk crawling up his face. _

_"Is that so? Does that mean you like me?" _

_"Hm, maybe. Maybe I do. Maybe I don't." _

_"Eh? That's so confusing." Hikaru pouted. "Why don't you just tell me if you like me or not? It's much easier." _

_"Well, since you teased me earlier, I thought I should tease you back. Plus, I'm.. not ready for a relationship right now." _

_"Oh, yeah. You did mention that earlier." He said, amused at Haruhi's hard-to-get act. It was cute. _

_Haruhi's smile turned mischievous as a thought of her's started to interest her._ I think I should humor him, _she thought, her body already leaning in. _

_Hikaru stared in confusion, his eyebrows knitted together, "W..What's up?" He asked, cautiously._

_When he recieved no answer, he asked again, softly enough to be a whisper, "H..Haruhi?" _

_She gave Hikaru a reassuring smile before diving in to close the gap between them. Their lips smashed together, Haruhi's lips mostly doing the work since Hikaru stood still, completely taken by surprise. Once his brain pieced one thing with another, his eyes closed like Haruhi's, his mouth molding itself to fit better with the girl in front of him. His hands found their way to her hips as her arms found their way to his neck. And they just stayed like that for about a minute, just enjoying the company of the other. _

_Hikaru was the first one to pull away (since he was taken by surprise, he ran out of oxygen pretty quickly), gasping for air as his face took a crimson shade. "W-What was that for?" He asked, his fingers gently touching his lips. _

_The young girl laughed earnestly, a light blush also dusting her porcelain cheeks._ Holy crap, I love her, _Hikaru thought to himself, his own heartbeat racing at every second. "Don't worry about it, Hikaru." She muttered before a loud bell rung across the entire room. "Oh, it seems your dream is ending. I'll see you later, Hikaru." _

_"W-Wait, Haruhi!" _

_"Oh! And.." She brought a finger to her lips, "..keep this a secret." Haruhi gave her last smile before she faded away, leaving Hikaru all by himself. _

_"I guess I should wake up." Then everything faded._

"Mm.." Hikaru moaned in his sleep, his eyes blinking themselves awake. He rubbed his hand tiredly, lazily moving the sheets away from his body. "That was a nice dream," he recalled, a smile already making its way to Hikaru's lips. "Ahh, maybe I'll see Haruhi today. Yeah, that would be nice." He whispered, already making his way to the shower. Hikaru hummed lightly as he measured the water temperature. _I'm in such a good mood!_ He gleamed. 

An idea soon popped up, "Oh! Maybe Kaoru will come join me. Yeah!" He was excited, running to Kaoru's new room. (_Wow, I am not used to that._) He shrugged it off, thinking that sooner or later, his younger twin will run off into his arms. _Yeah, that'd be so cute!_ He smiled purely, imaging how cute his brother would be. He would be all,_ "n-nii-san, can I s-sleep with y-you?"_ _That would be too cute! I need to see him now!_ Hikaru ran faster, ignoring his lungs desperately trying to catch air. He couldn't hold back his happiness all until a maid stopped him in his tracks. 

"Master Hitachiin." She stated, her tone dangerous.

"Maid." He said back, his tone just as dangerous. "What do you want?" Hikaru was absolutely confused yet upset that this maid would not move around. He figured it had to do with his brother.

"I'm sorry, Master Hitachiin. But the other master- _my_ master- will not allow you to come see him."

"What?! Why not?!" 

"I do not know. He just told me to make sure no one comes bother him without his permission." 

_That damn Kaoru_, he thought, his fists clenching tightly. "Let me see him." 

"I can't do that, Master Hitachiin. I was instructed to not let anyone see him without his permission." The maid's voice was flat and cold, but he could feel the venom in her tone. 

"That's bullshit." 

"Whatever you say." 

Hikaru sighed loudly, his great mood slowly sinking into a pitiful dead mood. "Can you ask him for permission then?" He asked, the worlds going through his gritting teeth. 

"Yes." She replied, walking to the door. She knocked softly on the door, awaiting for the answer of Kaoru. "Master Hitachiin? Someone is here to see you. Are you awake?"

It was a boring silence when the door clicked and revealed a young boy, with obvious bags under his puffy eyes. Hikaru felt his heart drop. _Is that.. Kaoru? What's wrong with him? Why does he look so.. sad? _

"What was that?" Kaoru asked, his arm grasping the other arm tightly. 

"Master Hitachiin, the other Master would like to see you." She repeated. 

"Oh.. Okay." Kaoru accepted, turning to Hikaru (who flinched from the sudden eye contact with the dead looking man in front of him), "Can you wait a minute? Let me get ready." 

Hikaru nodded, swallowing hard on the knot in his throat. His younger brother gave a small reassuring smile, closing the door, hiding himself from the world again. Hikaru released his breath- that he didn't know he was holding. _What the fuck? Was that really Kaoru? Did he sleep okay?_ _He looked like he had seen a ghost. And he had obviously been crying, was that 'cause he couldn't sleep? Was it his nightmares? Was it.._ because _of me? _

Depressing thoughts poured into the older twin's head, filling him with doubt and slight anger. He didn't know why, but he seriously wanted to punch whoever or whatever was making his beautiful, adorable twin become this sag of skin. Then, he made up his mind. Hikaru swore to himself, he was going to make his brother happy. 

After he made that promise, the doors to Kaoru's room open slowly, croaking loudly as it did. And there Kaoru stood, wearing a black long sleeve shirt, and gray sweats. It was abnormal for him to wear such heavy clothing, but Hikaru was not about to judge. Plus, his brother looked gorgeous in anything. 

"Well, Kaoru? Ready to go?" 

Kaoru nodded, shuffling awkwardly to his brother's side. "What's for breakfast?" 

"Hm, I think it's eggs and ham. But if you want, I can ask them to make you your favorite pancakes." 

A light blush bloomed on Kaoru's cheek, his eyes catching contact with Hikaru's eyes. He left out a breathless gasp, looking down immediately. "No, I'm okay." 

Hikaru's shoulders dropped in worry, "Really?" _You never refuse my offers though.._ _You_ love _pancakes_, he so wanted to say, but he stopped at 'really?' 

The younger twin nodded, his mouth refusing to open. Soon, they started to walk until Kaoru remembered something. "Wait, Hikaru. I have to ask the maid something." 

"You mean that annoying maid who wouldn't let me see you? Why? She more important than me?" Hikaru huffed in annoyance, his arms wrapping around each other. 

It was all an act, Kaoru knew, but he wanted to shout, _you already have someone else.. Why can't I?_ But he kept his mouth closed and instead, he forced out a laughter, masking the true pain he felt. "Of course not, brother. I just want to ask her to lock my room for me." 

"Lock it? Why?" Hikaru put down his act, suddenly concerned at what Kaoru was hiding, completely overlooking his younger twin's fake laughter. "Is there something I can't see?"

"Well.. We did agree on being our own two people, right?" 

Hikaru's mouth formed a silent 'oh' shape, reminiscing in the pool of memories. "That's.. right. Yeah, yeah, I remember now. We _did_ agree to that." 

The younger twin finally cracked a smile, (maybe real, maybe fake), laughing slightly, "Pfft. Dummy." 

Hikaru laughed with him, "Haha, maybe." He smiled at his brother, his eyes finally locking with Kaoru's, "But, hey.. You're finally looking at me." 

"H-huh?" Kaoru's face flushed into a deep red, his eyes widening before he turned away. "S-sorry." Kaoru whispered, his heart beating against his chest. 

Hikaru's eyes narrowed with affection, his lips curving into a more loving smile. _He's so cute. Wait.. Is this normal? I don't know.. But for now.. I want to see him more like this._ "Hey, Kaoru? Look at me." 

"W-what? Can I not?" Kaoru asked, hesitantly moving his head slightly in Hikaru's direction. Hikaru took this chance, placing his thumb on his younger twin's chin and pulling his face closer to his. 

"No." Hikaru breathed out, his eyes shifting to look at Kaoru's lips. He licked his lips expectantly, _is there something wrong with me or does Kaoru's lips look absolutely scrumptious right now? Fuck, I really want to kiss him.. It should be fine, right? It's not like it's the first time anyways.. _Hikaru leaned in slowly, his eyelids closing in as his lips puckered out. His heart jumped to his throat, his lips brushing against Kaoru's lips briefly before pulling away when he felt no movement back from his younger bro. He opened his eyes in confusion, "Kaoru?" 

What Hikaru saw, made his beating heart stop. Kaoru was desperately leaning against the wall, his eyes wide with shock and wet from new forming tears. His body trembled with fear, his breathing so uneven that it literally horrified Hikaru. Kaoru was terrified. And Hikaru took it the wrong way. 

"K-Kaoru. I'm.. I'm so sorry. Are you okay?"

Kaoru swallowed hard before nodding hesitantly. A few tears dripped down his face but soon, his body learned how to calm down. 

"I.. _I'm_ sorry, Hikaru." Kaoru whispered once he found his voice, his hands gripping tightly on his clothes. 

Hikaru's heart struck with guilt and regret, his shaking hand reaching out to hold Kaoru. "It's not your fault, Kaoru." He assured, his fingers gently brushing against Kaoru's shoulders. He watched Kaoru flinch, jerking his own arm back to his side. "It's all my fault." Hikaru mumbled, looking to the floor. 

When Kaoru heard those words, he felt himself gasp, "W-what? No, it's not, Hikaru." _It's true_. He thought,_ I should be the one with my head low. I must've influenced you in a bad way. I'm.._ "I'm sorry, Hikaru." 

The doubtless sincerity sent a shiver up Hikaru's spine. He didn't know what or why, but he felt as though that apology had a much deeper reason. Hikaru lifted his head slowly, his eyes laying their gaze on Kaoru's sorrow expression. He couldn't mistake the sudden clench of his heart at the sight if his sad brother. "How about this?" 

"Hm?" Curiosity overtook the overwhelming regret laying on Kaoru's shoulders. 

"What about we just forget this entire thing happened?" 

"Forget it?" 

"Yeah. It can be our little troll that never leaves from under the bridge!" 

It took a bit for Kaoru to put pieces together but once he understood, he gave a soft chuckle. "Haha, okay." Kaoru agreed happily, the guilt inside him subsiding for the time being. 

A big ol' smile crawled up Hikaru's face, his heart jumping out of his chest. He felt blood rush to his cheeks before his brother was on him like their mother. Kaoru placed his hands on Hikaru's cheeks, looking Hikaru up and down. "You okay, Hika? You don't seem well today. Should I just bring you breakfast?" 

The older twin just stood there, completely engulfed in a warmth he couldn't describe. Luckily, the situation beforehand was dealt with or he wouldn't have done this. His hand lurched upward, grabbing Kaoru's hand in his. His eyes locked deeply into his younger brother's, his heart leaping up and down in his chest. Kaoru let out a small shriek in shock, his own heart getting a little lovesick. "H-Hikaru?" He called out hesitantly. 

Hikaru seemed to snap out of his "fantasies" (another word for admiring his brother), his hand dropping down shakily. Fortunately, he didn't let go of Kaoru's hand. "Let's go to breakfast like this." Hikaru murmered, a light red blush painted across his cheeks. 

Kaoru couldn't help but blush as well, his own heart getting high hopes even with all the risks. "Yeah, okay," is what Kaoru replied with but he still couldn't shake off the feeling that he did something _wrong_. 

_ **KAORU**_

Once the twins were down to the first floor, Kaoru attempted to slip his hand from his older brother. "Hika. I think we should let go _now_.." He mumbled, emphasizing the need to drop the 'act.' Kaoru's heart was physically leaping all over the place and he needed it to calm the fuck down. This wasn't good. All this romantic feelings weren't good. The hearts in his eyes? No! Kaoru knows what he should be and what he should be feeling and that isn't imaging him holding hands with Hikaru, softly kissing him under the stars. He shouldn't be this _happy_. 

Hikaru's lips jutted out in a pout, his hand clinging tightly to Kaoru's. "What? Why?" He whined. 

"Because people are going to get suspicious." 

"Suspicious? Of what? It's not like we're dating or anything. We do this all the time."

_"It's not like we're dating or anything." ... "We're_ not _dating." ... "It's_ over, _Kaoru." ...no.. _

His dream was coming true, Kaoru realized. And that fact alone made Kaoru want to throw up. It made him want to go to his room and hide in the restroom with a knife halfway his throat. And even though he _knew_ this was how it was going to be and _end_, his mind just couldn't wrap around it. Kaoru, with new found strength, pushed Hikaru's hand off of his, his arm gripping his scarred arm, reopening a few wounds. The world around him spun, spun in so many directions and in so many different speeds. His stomach whirled around and squeezed and tightened. Kaoru felt his world _shatter. _

"Kaoru? What's wrong?" 

The whirling and spinning stop as if on command. The loud buzzing in his head dimmed down. The world became clear and Kaoru can _clearly_ see the worried look on his brother's face. "W-What?" When Kaoru's voice came out, it came out sounding if it had just be strained and then hung to dry. It was timid and scared, his voice barely above a whisper. 

Hikaru's brows furrowed deeply, concern lacing every wrinkle in skin. "I asked if you're okay."

"I.. I'm fine. I.. I just need to leave. Go to my safe place." Kaoru could tell he was blabbering nonsense and that he was breathless as fuck, but he couldn't find it in him to care. He just had to go. Had to die somewhere. Had to be away. Had to seclude himself. And his brother wasn't helping. 

"You need to leave? To your safe place? What the hell are you saying? Speak clearly!" Hikaru couldn't help but shout. He never did well under pressure and he always needed to know if something was going down with his brother. He reached out for Kaoru, his hand reaching to comfort his now trembling brother.

Something in Kaoru snapped once he felt someone touch him. "No! Shut up! Fuck off! Leave me alone!" Kaoru screeched, running up the stairs as fast as he can. He couldn't think straight and the world begun to spin again. Somewhere behind him he heard the rushed steps of his brother, which in return, encouraged Kaoru to run faster. And as soon as Kaoru reached his room, he shut the door, locking it completely. He did it so fast, the maid didn't even notice Kaoru locking it until it was done. And then, 

_BAM! _

"Kaoru! Open up the door!" 

Kaoru didn't answer, no, he _refused_ to answer. He cowered underneath his sheets, trembling with overwhelming fear. The voices in his heard started to appear, yelling and scolding him for this mess he had made. He crossed his fingers and prayed as hard as he could that someone would push his older brother away. 

And the wish seemed to have come true. The loud banging and startling shouting calmed down and instead there was a "civilized" coversation right outside his door. It all began with; 

"What are you doing here, Master Hitachiin?" 

Kaoru faintly heard the maid's elderly voice in the back of his head, but it was all foggy as soon as he pulled his sleeves up. He had one patch of pure skin and it was soon to be tainted. _I'm sorry._ He thought to himself as Kaoru reached for the knife. 

"I.. Hikaru locked himself in my room!" A pretty good imitation of Karou's- considering that they share the same voice- rung through Kaoru's head. Kaoru's head jerked up.

_What the? Hikaru? What are you up to?_

"Is that you, Master Kaoru?"

"_Yes_." Hikaru emphasized his 'yes' with need. He needed to see his brother.

"If it's you then what's the password?" The maid asked sternly. 

_Password? What password? Goddamnit, Kaoru!_ Hikaru grumbled, nervous sweat dripping down his neck, "There is no time for a password! He could be digging through my stuff right now!" 

Kaoru laughed a little when he heard his brother trying his best. He couldn't help it when his brother just makes him so damn happy all the time. Even so, the dark glooming thoughts rolled in and the mood shifted. He knew he had to tell his brother everything and he might as well tell him now. Nothing could go wrong, right? 

Kaoru sighed deeply, rolling down his sleeves once more and making the sheets look pretty. He closed his bathroom door, locking it and throwing the key underneath the bed. He then sucked up his courage to finally open the door. 

It was only opened a bit but he could already feel the energy radiating off the two giants (well, they aren't exactly _giants_..) in front of him. 

Hikaru yelled loudly, "Why the hell do I need a password to see my own damn brother?!" 

"Because Kaoru doesn't want to see you!" The maid retorted back. 

"Hah! As if! You forget that we're twins!" He exclaimed, unfazed when she ignored his brother's title. 

"And you forget that you made him move back into his room and get a password in the first place!" 

Kaoru flinched harshly, the rest of the door opening up. 

The two arguing giants stopped and silenced once they saw Kaoru standing. 

The maid bowed her head, "Master Hitachiin." She figured he already heard the conversation considering his face was one of pure shock. 

"Kaoru." Hikaru breathed out, suddenly breathless. He soon forgot everything and went to hug his younger brother. 

Kaoru moved away quickly and unexpectedly. Worry filled Hikaru's eyes. "Kaoru.." He mumbled, his body giving up on trying to touch his brother. 

"Master Hitachiin. If you request, I could get rid of _this_... Master." 

"No," Kaoru said in a soft voice. "There is no need. I do request that I may speak to him alone." 

Hikaru always was impressed on how calm and mature Kaoru could speak. He gave the maid a taunting smirk, inviting himself to Kaoru's room. The maid just nodded, sending a short yet spiteful glare to Hikaru. 

Once the maid was gone, Kaoru followed Hikaru to his bed, closing the door behind him slowly. Then once Kaoru turned around he was face to face with his brother. His brother gave a hard yet loving stare, secretly demanding answers. 

"So.." Hikaru started. 

And Kaoru answered.

"I'm guessing you want to know what's been going on." He tries his damn hardest to make it sound like he's calm and controlled but he couldn't help the trembling waver in his voice. 

Hikaru breathed out a "yeah." Although his eyes quickly added a "only if you want to." 

And Kaoru wanted to. Kaoru wanted to spill like a teacup. He so wanted to desperately scream his thoughts and let out all his pent up emotions and finally let his bubble burst. He just wanted to bawl his eyes and cuddle in his brother's arm. But again, there was a big part of him who desperately wanted to hide. Who wanted to pretend it was a joke and fake that he even had a problem to begin with. 

"I.. I want to, Hikaru. But.. just the words won't come out." Kaoru hiccuped, tears pooling at his eyes. There was just too much emotional stress. 

Hikaru felt his heart squeeze in pain. He quickly got to his brother's side, hugging him tightly. "Just say it. I'm here for you." 

Kaoru looked up at his brother with wet, teary eyes, "you promise?" 

Hikaru's heart literally broke at how broken his brother looked. He nodded slowly. 

That seemed to effect Kaoru somehow. He inhaled sharply, pushing himself away from the loving grasp of his brother. 

"I.. I don't think I can say it so I'll just show you something and hope you can figure it out, kay?"

Hikaru gave a reassuring smile and followed close behind as Kaoru led him to the bed. He reached behind the mattress and felt his fingers graze across the handle. He gripped it firmly, slowly pulling it out of its hidding spot. Kaoru then laid it between them, looking at the knife and not anywhere else.

"Kao.. Is that a knife?" He asked, unsure. 

Kaoru nodded, not trusting his own voice. 

"And why is it bloody?" 

_Goddamnit, Kaoru. How can you fall in love with this dense idiot?! _

"That's for me to know and for you to find out?" Kaoru tried. 

Hikaru's eyes grew cold, his voice on the edge of dangerous. "Kaoru." 

Kaoru exasperated, "Look! I can't say it, okay? Just.. just figure it out. _Please_." He didn't if it was what he said or how his voice was trembling at every word but his brother let go of his fuming anger. Kaoru heard his brother's lips open before a loud buzzing interrupted. 

"Kaoru.. Hold on." He mumbled, answering the call. 

Kaoru sneaked a glace at his brother, his hand aching to sneak the knife away. He had no particular care of the phone call until.. 

"What's going on, Haruhi? Why is your voice trembling?!" He semi-shouted through the phone, obvious worry coursing through his veins. Kaoru felt his heart shrink. He knew that it would never happen. Kaoru quickly grabbed the knife and threw it back to beneath the bed. 

Kaoru was quick to get up and push his brother off of his bed. He pulled and tugged his arm, forcing him to move. 

Hikaru took the phone off of his ear for a moment, "What are you doing?!" He whispered harshly and when Kaoru flinched, Hikaru felt that familiar pang of guilt. 

Nonetheless, Kaoru said strictly, "Leave." 

Hikaru growled, "What the hell do you mean 'leave'?!" 

"I mean, _get out_." 

Hikaru took Kaoru's hand and shoved it away, focusing his attention to the call. "Haruhi. Just hold up. Let's meet up where we met up yesterday. Okay? Bye." 

Once the call ended, Hikaru took Kaoru by the hands. "What the fuck is wrong with you?!" 

"What the fuck is wrong with me?! What is wrong with you?!" 

"Wrong with me?! Excuse me? Who's trying to kick me out when I'm having a serious conversation with a friend?!" 

Kaoru scoffed in disbelief. "A _friend_? Seriously? That sounds like a whole lot of bullshit to me." Kaoru replied sarcastically, his own walls slowly crumbling down. 

"Bullshit?! Haruhi is going through emotional pain right now and here we are, staring at a bloody knife!" 

"Agh!" Kaoru fumed, utter frustration seeping through him. "Haruhi this, Haruhi that. And you can't even admit that you like her!" 

A red blush popped up on Hikaru's face, "W-What?! I d-don't!" He stammered before saying, "and I only talk about her so much because I am considerate about her." 

Kaoru rolled his eyes, "oh you're so considerate alright. So considerate that you can't even notice your own twin suffering night after night _because_ of _you_!" 

All of Hikaru's anger seemed to dissolve, his shoulders dropping as his eyes suddenly realized how broken Kaoru looked. His hair was an absolute mess and now that he's looking right, he can see black rings underneath his puffy, red eyes. Hikaru knew for a fact that Kaoru wasn't lying.. But the fact that this was all caused because of him? He just couldn't believe it. 

"What do you mean 'suffering'?" 

Kaoru soon realized how much he had spoken and slowly looked away, focusing on a nearby clock instead. "It's time for you to go. Haruhi is waiting." He mumbled under his breath, gently urging his dense idiot of a brother to get a move on. 

Hikaru sighed. Hikaru knew what to do and what he should do but when his brother is refusing to look at him and begs silently for him to leave when he needs him.. It was just too sad. 

"Kaoru. I'll go as soon as you tell me what you're suffering through." 

That looked to hit a weak spot. Was Hikaru finally putting Kaoru first again? Was Hikaru finally starting to care? But again, Kaoru knew he was just getting false hopes. He shook his head and kept pushing Hikaru closer to the door. 

"Kao, _please_. I'm worried about you." 

Kaoru shook his head again, "No, it's okay. It was nothing serious and I just said some shit in the heat of the moment. I'm okay." He lied.

And for some dumb reason, his brother seemed to accept it. "You sure?" 

"Yes." Kaoru wanted to cry but he couldn't so all he did was give a soft, tired smile. A forced one that seemed so real his brother believed it. 

"Okay. If that's what you say, but when I come back, let's talk about it." 

Kaoru looked down and nodded, although the tears running down his face said something else. 

Hikaru took the chance to gently hug his brother before saying his goodbyes and leaving. And as soon as the door closed, Kaoru broke. 

He locked the door quickly and ran to the bed. He threw covers upon covers, desperately trying to find his knife. Then a sharp blade caught his eyes and as he was rolling up his sleeves, he reached down to get it. 

At this point, he decided that the knife was his only friend and companion. It was someone, or some_thing_, that could share his pain with him. 

He guided the knife to skin and carefully wrote, "useless," onto his skin. The knife dug its sharp point into his fleshy layer and slowly craved out the letters. Kaoru would normally hiss and cry in pain but the heartbroken feeling in his chest outnumbered the pain in his arm. 

When he was done, he did the normal cleaning procedures excluding the isopropyl. He wanted himself to rot and getting an infection is just a type of rotting. Kaoru hid the knife back and crawled into his bed. There were no sheets or blankets since they all had to be cleaned so he just laid there. Maybe he could get sick and die. That was also an option. Either way, he doze off to a restless slumber, his arm numb from the lost of blood. 

_ **HIKARU**_

The drive to the park was a fortunately a quick one. Hikaru just hoped that he hadn't took that much time. But during the drive, he couldn't stop thinking about what Kaoru said. That he was suffering because of Hikaru. Some part of him knows that Kaoru wouldn't lie or say that in the heat of a moment but the other part so desperately wanted to believe thay he did not cause his brother's unhappiness. Even the last smile Kaoru gave him seemed fake. He didn't know anymore. But something that concerned him more was about that knife. Something about how it just happened to be near his bed and covered in, supposedly, blood just gave Hikaru a negative vibe. He sighed deeply. Hikaru can feel the frown on his face but he pushed it into a smile once he saw Haruhi. 

Haruhi seemed extremely distressed and now Hikaru felt bad for taking his sweet time. He gave Haruhi a little wave. That seemed to ease some tension off of her. "Hey, Haruhi. I'm sorry I took so..-" 

Hikaru was abruptly cut off when Haruhi ran to his arms, sobbing. It was unnatural to see Haruhi like this, especially since she literally jumped into a "fight" with guys who were bothering other girls. Hikaru knew in his senses that something was gravely wrong and he had to do something before he starts hugging this girl back in an affectionate way. 

"What's wrong, Haruhi?" His voice was soothing and gentle unlike the tone he used on his brother. _Ow, harsh.. Little Hikaru_.

Haruhi looked up at him, her eyes swollen from crying too much. _Huh, funny, that kinda reminds me of Kaoru.. Wait fuck no, not the time. _

"My dad is at the hospital and I just felt lonely and you were the only person I could think to call.." 

He barely heard the last part but he did, and it made his heart flutter and beat faster than he could ever do while running. _Gee, it really must be love.._ He couldn't ignore the feeling now, especially since he had realized that it really was love._ "And you can't even admit that you like her!"_ Suddenly, he heard Kaoru's voice in his head and hearing that, he can notice all the small details he had missed. The strong desperation in his tone, how betrayal seeped through his words. And then his heart started clenching and squeezing him tight, anxiety flowing through his bloodstream. 

"Hikaru? You there?" 

Hikaru snapped out of his thoughts, focusing all of his attention on the beautiful girls in his arms. "Yeah, Haruhi. I'm sorry. Do you want to visit your father?" He wouldn't lie to himself because he sees no reason to, so when he says that even though its comforting to have the girl he _loves_ in his arms, something was constantly nipping at his heart. 

And although Hikaru was deep in his thoughts, his still felt the light ruffle of Haruhi's hair brush against his chest. "That's a no?" 

She nodded, "I don't think they would allow me to see him anyways." 

_Understandable. When Kaoru went through the hospital, they wouldn't let me see him. I had to fight the doctors just to see my brother once. Those bastards.. Wait, why do I keep thinking about my brother?_

"Hikaru?" Haruhi asked, small bits of concern in her voice. 

"Huh? What?" He must've drifted off again. 

"You stopped responding. You okay?" Yeah, Hikaru figured. And now Hikaru was stuck with two options. He could either lie and tell Haruhi he's fine (_maybe like how Kaoru did to you? Fuck off, Little Hikaru_) or tell her honestly that he isn't in a great place right now. Which is strange because he literally is spending time with his crush _and not with my little twin who said he was suffering because of me.._ Hikaru shook his head, _OK, you little shit. Kaoru said himself that he said it in the spur of our argument._ Little Hikaru seemed to quiet down after that. On the other hand, Haruhi seemed a bit worried.

"Was that a no? Should I have not called you?" She questioned softly. 

"Ah! Um, no it was nothing, Haruhi." He lied a little through that. _Just like how Kaoru lied._ And Little Hikaru was at it again. Hikaru ignored it this time, his attention completely towards Haruhi. "It's just that Kaoru and I had a little disagreement before I came, and I just can't stop thinking about it." _Well obviously. You left Kaoru in his greatest time of need and you believe that it's okay._ There it was again. 

"A disagreement? Are you two okay?" Haruhi placed her hand on his cheek, Hikaru almost cooing into the touch. It felt as soft as a woman's hand should feel and gave him soft tickles. Even so.. It didn't _feel_ as _warm_ as how Kaoru's hand felt. _Strange_.

"Yeah, we're okay. Or I mean, _I'm_ okay, but I don't know about him. He didn't seem so good when I left." 

Haruhi slapped his back, "How could you leave him?!" 

"Ow! What the hell?! I left him because you called! Because you were.." _..more important than him._ Another heartwrenching pain struck him again. 

"Even if I called you, he needed you more!" 

"What's that supposed to mean? You were crying on the phone and you seemed like you were in so much pain! Of course I had to go see you." _"So considerate that you can't even notice your own twin suffering night after night_ because _of_ you!_"_ Another struck of pain, this time it was even stronger. 

Haruhi let out a visibly tired sigh, "I mean I _was_ but he's your brother. He's family. Doesn't he mean more? I would have been fine if you had called and said that you were busy or something. I'm not as fragile as I look." 

His lips cracked into a small smile, his hand gently patting her head. "You don't look fragile _at all_." 

Haruhi smiled as well. Did Hikaru ever mention how cute her smile was? It was like warm and cool at the same time. It lured you in like a trap and engulfed you in firey love. And somehow it reminded him of Kaoru. You see, Kaoru's smile was similiar to her. When his cute lips curve into one of the brightest smile you've ever seen, it's like nothing else but him matters anymore. Just everything about Kaoru was amazing. God, he just _loved_ Kaoru. 

Wait, what? Something was different. Like completely different. It was normal for Hikaru to fawn over his adorable little brother but he knew for a _fact_ that it was just brotherly love! Like after living with Kaoru for like his entire life, he soon grew to realize that _no one_ could _not_ love Kaoru. (Which is why Hikaru always found it weird that Kaoru never had a girlfriend.) But now, everything Hikaru looked at him, something warm would just spread across his chest and a smile would take up half his face. It was almost as if he.. loved Kaoru like he loved Haruhi. _Do I love love Kaoru? _

Hikaru felt his hands run up to his hands and grip it. It felt like his world had just been flipped upside down. It was as if he had been living his life as a lie. It wasn't.. It wasn't _right_? No! That's not the right word. It just felt so.. off. Hikaru looked at Haruhi, who now held a scared expression in her face. He grabbed her by the shoulders and sucked in a bunch if air before shouting, "HARUHI! I LIKE YOU! I REALLY LIKE YOU. I LIKE YOUR SMILE! AND I JUST THINK YOU'RE REALLY CUTE AND I WOULD LOVE TO BE WITH YOU!" 

Hikaru was out of breath when he was done and for some reason, his eyelids had closed when he had shouted his confession. He didn't know what took over for him to confess but he did. He thought that if he did, he would be able to dissolve this crisis he was going through. But now? He just felt extremely embarrassed and stupid. 

He slowly opened his eyelids, focusing on reading Haruhi's expression. It was a new expression, he noted. One with a mix of confusion and doubt. _Maybe I was rejected.._ He thought but somehow that didn't hurt as much as he thought it would. Maybe he didn't like her as much as he thought he did. Ignoring that fact, he pulled his hands from her shoulders and ran his hand through his hair again. He looked away and started to babble; 

"Oh my god, I am so sorry, Haruhi. I don't know what took over me and I don't know why I blurted those words like a big idiot. I hope this didn't ruin our friendship and and and-" 

"Hikaru." She cut him off, her hand gently tugging his head towards her. Then she did something completely unexpected. 

She kissed him. 

Like she _kissed_ him. 

Hikaru couldn't believe his eyes.. his lips especially. He always knew a girl's lips were soft but he never knew how soft Haruhi's could be. The kiss was brief and short, but the feeling lingered on. Funny thing though. It didn't feel as.. romantic as he thought it would be. Maybe he really got this entire crush thing wrong.. 

"There." She says, her eyes never leaving Hikaru's. Haruhi continues with, "I'm sorry that, that was so sudden. And I apologize for well, not having your consent, but be honest with me. You didn't feel like it was right, did you?"

Hikaru nodded, unsure of what he really felt. Don't get him wrong, he enjoyed the kiss and all but he had to admit that it wasn't what he expected. He thought that when they kissed it would feel like a puzzle that just _fit_. But now he felt more confused then before. 

He heard Haruhi sigh. "Guess I should explain myself?" 

Hikaru gave an unsure nod.

She let out another sigh, "Okay, Hikaru. Listen carefully. I know you _think_ you like me." She didn't pause after seeing the confusion on his face. "yes, you _think_ you like me but you really don't." 

"What do you mean? Isn't that my choice to decide?" 

Haruhi had to resist the urge to roll her eyes, "_Obviously_. But since you are taking so long, I had to speed up the process." 

And if Haruhi ever thought that, that would clear things up, she was so wrong. Hikaru was even more confused then ever. "What?? What process? I don't understand." 

She sighed heavily, "Hikaru.." She started before Hikaru continued. 

"I mean, you just kissed me out of nowhere and now apparently _I_ don't like you anymore? And and now I'm thinking about my brother more and everything is just so confusing!" 

_"..thinking about my brother more...." Wow, that's new_, Haruhi thought. 

"Okay, first off, calm down, Hikaru. Let's walk through this _slowly_." She stated, calm and collected. She led him to a nearby bench, her hand resting gently on his shoulder. "And second off, just let it all out. Let's _talk_ through this."

Hikaru agreed, a hand running through his hair, "Sure. But um, shouldn't we be talking about your dad?" 

"Hikaru, my dad is in the hospital.. There's literally nothing to talk about."

"Well, I don't mean _talk talk_. I just mean, don't we have more important things to worry about then my lovelife?" 

"To be honest, yes. But if it makes you feel better, think about it as distracting me." 

"Distracting you?" 

"Uh huh. So I don't have to stress over worrying about my dad." 

"Yeah, okay." 

"Now continue with your_ 'rant'._"

"I dunno, Haruhi.. This is kinda _personal_, ya'know."

"And you do know that you screamed your feelings into my face, right?" 

Deep, bright red shaded Hikaru's entire face, "That's besides the point!" 

"Oh, come on. What's the worse that could happen?" 

"Well there's a lot.. I could disgust you, I could scare you, I could lose you as a friend, I could lose my dignity, I could kill my pride, I could ruin my entire life, or I could get a life crisis." _And the worst one, I could lose Kaoru_. Hikaru silenced grimly at the thought. His hands rolled into a fist and he thought strongly, _no, that will_ never _happen. _

Thankfully, Haruhi broke his silence. "Well sure that _could_ all happen, but for the scenarios involving me? I assure you that it'll most likely never happen." 

"_Most likely._" 

"Hey, I told you before. I'm not as fragile as I look nor am I that closed minded as you think I am." 

Hikaru dropped the argument, "Alright, alright. Fine. I'll spill." 

"Great!" 

"So I guess I should start by the whole confessing thing?"

She gave him a light shrug. 

"Okay, so basically, I've been told by Kaoru for the past few days that I like you or something. And even though he was telling me this, he just seemed so upset and bothered by it, like the thought of it was eating at his soul." 

"Sounds like he was jealous." 

"Jealous? Of what?" 

"Of you giving me more attention than him." 

"Pfft, as if. He's the one who suggested we should be our own person. Whatever that means." Hikaru ended the statement with a pout. "And aren't you just suppose to be listening?" 

Haruhi raised her hands in defense, "sorry, sorry. Continue?" 

"Anyways, we argued about it back and forth 'til I kinda got to full of myself and taunted him to move back to his old room. And he did." 

"Geez, you really pushed his buttons." 

Hikaru sent a glare, an annoyed sigh leaving him. _Why do I feel like Haruhi knows something?_ "And after he left, I went to see you, and you know that story already. So when I came back, I thought about talking to him about our argument, seeing as how you and your dad made up quickly, I figured everything would be the same for us.

I called down Kaoru as soon as I got home. He came down and we talked a little. We mostly talked about how my day was with you but then we got to talking about being our own people. Then he started to go off on always supporting me or something before he ran off. I think he fell on the way up because I heard a big thud from the stairway, but when I got there, he was gone. Probably in his room." 

"Hikaru? May I ask something?" 

"What?" He felt bad if he came out a bit rude but he couldn't help it. His own feelings were getting in a twist and all of this "nonsense" was stressing him out.

"How do _you_ feel after seeing your brother leave in such a hurry?" 

"Me?" Now this question was peculiar because was he supposed to feel something? It was just his brother leaving him without saying "goodnight" or giving him a goodnight hug. Like _who's_ gonna get feelings from that? _Fuck_. 

"Yes, Hikaru. You. Did you _feel_ anything?" 

"Uh haha," he chuckled nervously. "Now that I think about it.. yeah?" 

"Are you asking me?" 

"I mean.. It's kinda embarrassing to say and like it may disgust you and-" Hikaru was about to continue but one look at Haruhi's face told him no. He gave a short sigh and a good pause before continuing, "Yes. I do, or did, feel something. I guess I feel.. Upset? No.. Frustrated? No.." 

Haruhi took a guess, "Lonely?" 

"Yeah! That's the word. I guess I felt kinda lonely." 

Haruhi opened her mouth to say something but Hikaru just kept talking, "Like, maybe it's because he didn't give me a goodnight hug or even said the words "goodnight" to me. I mean, he didn't even look back at me! How could he do that to me?" 

Haruhi rubbed soothing circles onto his back, "Maybe he was hurting more then you thought." 

"Hurting more then I thought?" Hikaru repeated, clearly not getting at what she's trying to say. 

"Hikaru, I'm going to be completely honest with you from this point forward." 

He nodded. 

"I don't like you. I mean, I like you as a friend and I will always enjoy your company even if it's the flirty type, like during Host Club, but I am not attracted to you." Haruhi blurted this out without a second thought. Although she _was_ mentally preparing herself for a breakdown from the male in front of her. She would never expect his reaction to be anything like this. 

Hikaru let go of a huge amount of breath that he was unconsciously holding, wiping a sweat off of his brow. "Phew. To be honest, I'm relieved that you feel that way because I'm starting to think that I did _not_ like you the way I thought I did earlier." Hikaru finished his statement with a grin, even though he did mumble something. And luckily, Haruhi had good ears. 

"So then who's the lucky _guy_ who caught your eyes then?" _As if I had to ask._ She thought in her head, unable to contain a small yet happy smile. 

"It may or may not be my brother." 

"Why is it a 'may or may not' thing?" 

"Well, it's because I don't know if I like like him or just like him." 

"Fine. Then tell me all the things you think about when you see him." 

"Oh! That's easy!" 

_Oh, I bet._

He started off with, "Whenever I wake up earlier then him, I always enjoyed looking at his sleeping face. It was always so peaceful and comforting. Except when he has nightmares. Then he wakes me up at night to cuddle harder into my arms. Sometimes it hurts and can get uncomfortable but I'll never actually say so. Did I ever mention how cute he is when he cries? I mean, of course I want to punch whoever made my beautiful brother cry but when he comes to me, saying 'nii-san', my heart just can't help but swell! But don't get me wrong! Seeing him sad absolutely breaks my heart. Once Kaoru had started doing bad things when he was really depressed and that's when I vowed I would always make him happy! Because he deserves to be happy and I _want_ to make him happy. Like I could die without regrets as long as Kaoru's future is bright and all that cute shit." He gave a small pause, "oh oh oh! And when he smiles at me? That's when all the happy feelings come in. It's like all the darkness in the world just _cleared_ up and he's all there's left. Even when we were little, there were so many times when he just pulled me out of whatever hellhole I was shoved into. He was always there, giving me his best smile and saying comforting words. And now that I realized it.. Haruhi!" 

"What?" She asked, a little scared.

"You weren't the first person to tell the difference between me and Kaoru!" 

Haruhi visibly relaxed, "then, who was?" 

"Kaoru! He'd always encouraged that even though we look alike, we are two different people. Haha! I can't believe I just figured it out! Wait, then that means.." 

Then Hikaru looked at Haruhi with the expression of great shock on his face. 

"That means that.." He mumbled off, as if he was scared to admit it.

"You love Kaoru?" Haruhi finished for him.

"Yeah." Hikaru agreed, his eyes looking a little glum. It was starting to concern Haruhi. 

"And is that a bad thing?" 

"I don't know." He exsaperated, his shoulders dropping down as if all hope was lost. 

"Do you think it is? Because I don't think it is. I think it's a _great_ thing."

"You do?" Hikaru lifted his head and looked at her in the eyes. His eyes shifted between scared and unsure. 

"Yeah, I do." 

"But why? Isn't incest like not accepted?" 

"I mean, yeah. But love _is_ love. And I personally think that if you're happy, that's all that matters." 

Tears clouded Hikaru's eyes when he saw the pure honesty Haruhi held. He leaned away, wiping his tears when he murmured a small "thank you." Luckily, Haruhi heard and patted his back in support. 

"Hikaru. Now that you basically figured everything out. Let me just say this; Kaoru thinks the same of you as you do of him. Maybe even more! But the feelings aren't one-sided, okay?" 

Hikaru couldn't believe what the girl next to him was saying. _Kaoru feels the same? I mean, why? I don't even deserve him as a brother but a lover? Fuck, I would really want that but would he? I mean, Haruhi wouldn't lie to me.. Gah! I just don't know! _

Hikaru glared his eyes at Haruhi, sighing deeply. "Anywho, thanks for helping me and all that." 

"No problem, Hikaru. And I'll do you _one more favor_."

_One more favor?_ "What?" 

"Yup! I'll let you go home early today!"

"What?! But your dad!" 

"Yeah yeah but he's getting better, I'm sure of it. And trust me, Kaoru needs you more. And just think of it as owing me. You can pay me back later when you guys get together!" 

Haruhi flashed him a grin that if it was an 1 hour earlier, he would think it was the most prettiest smile ever. But now he knows for a _fact_ that there is not a smile in the world that can even come close to as beautiful as Kaoru's.

Hikaru sucked in the words and stood up, "Okay, I'll go see my brother then." 

And now that the deadly mood cleared up, he realized that his shoulders felt lighter and his anxiety had dispersed. He'd never felt more happier. 

After saying his goodbyes, Hikaru rushed for the nearest cab, paying the driver extra just to drive past the speed limit. Maybe it was the pure joy coursing in his veins or maybe it's the realization that he loved Kaoru more then anything, but he just wanted to see his brother. 

He was running as soon as his foot touched the front lawn of the Hitachiin mansion. He rushed the servents to open the big front doors, excitement buzzing in his limbs. Hikaru physically skipped his way to his brother's room. He did stop by his room though to get a few empty suitcases, you know, just in case his brother wanted to move back. Hikaru was giddy at that thought because sleeping next to his brother would always be one thing he could _never_ get tired of. And becuase of how he happy he was, he was determined to make sure _nothing_ get in his way. _Especially that old hag! _

Fortunately, everything was going Hikaru's way. The maid, or "old hag", wasn't there and he could tell by how the door wasn't fully closed that it obviously wasn't locked. 

Hikaru gleamed to no one in particular, feeling somewhat proud of "jumping over" hurdles to see the real love of his life. Yet when his fingers ghosted over the handle, the image of that cursed bloody knife appeared in his mind again. Hikaru didn't know why but it started to haunt his mind. The anxiety that had disappeared long before came rushing back in so hard that Hikaru practically _stumbled_ from the shock. 

He gripped the wall tightly to save his fall, his other hand gripping his shirt. He couldn't say he was used to this but he couldn't say that he exactly wasn't prepared. Hikaru let out a deep, long breath, mentally calming himelf down. He '_swoosh_'ed the image of the knife away, preparing himself to open the door. 

He gently pushed the door open, grateful of it's unusual silence. Hikaru then glanced at the back of his younger twin. Thankfully, Kaoru didn't notice nor hear a thing. That somehow eased some tension off of Hikaru. 

The older twin chuckled quietly to himself, closing the door behind him as he tip-toed to his brother side. And once he was close enough to hear his weirdly shallow breathing, Hikaru jumped. 

"Surprise!!" 

He quickly wrapped his arms around Kaoru when he started shifting around, and nuzzled his face in the crook of Kaoru's neck. Then he asked; 

"Did ya miss me?" Hikaru said, slightly muffled but still clear enough. But strangely, he didn't get a response from the male in his arms. He knew Kaoru heard so he didn't know why he wasn't graced by his brother's voice. Hikaru lifted his head a little so his eyes had space to look around. He first looked at Kaoru's face, realizing that his expression was not one of pure joy, as he had wanted. Instead, it was a face of pure dread, maybe with a hint of fear. 

Hikaru's facial muscles worked to make a frown until he noticed that his brother was intensely staring at something, "What are you staring at that is so important then your.." Then Hikaru saw it. 

Blood everywhere. Kaoru's arms and legs cut up everywhere. And then, Hikaru eyes caught sight of the knife Kaoru showed him earlier. _That damn knife!_ It was still covered in blood but now it was drenched in it. So were the sheets. Hikaru let out a breathless pant, looking at his brother in disbelief. "You.. Again?" He didn't need to say it fully, he knew his brother understood. 

Kaoru's eyes widened, then slowly crowding itself with salty tears. He easily pushed himself out of Hikaru's grasp, not looking at him in the eyes as he tried to push him away. Maybe it was the amount of blood he lost or the how he lost his will to live but he barely managed to budge Hikaru. 

Hikaru swiftly grabbed Kaoru's wrist, forcing Kaoru to stare at him directly. And even though all Hikaru wanted to do was shout and question at Kaoru's actions, he asked one simply question. 

"Why?" His voice cracked with sorrow at the end but it didn't matter. 

Then Kaoru looked up empty, broken eyes and mumbled quietly, "Because I love you.." 

He said it so soft that Hikaru barely heard yet he did. And somewhere in his mind, he was screaming of pure joy, but the ache in his heart said otherwise. Hikaru was about to ask why once more until he heard Kaoru talk, 

"I love you so much that everything I saw you with Haruhi, it hurt. I love you so much that I was willing to separate myself from you. And because I love you, I just couldn't live with myself knowing that I could ruin your chance at happiness. So please.. please just let me do this.." 

Hikaru couldn't believe what he was hearing. _Is Kaoru seriously asking me if I can let him suffer? _

Kaoru saw the uncertainty in his eyes. 

"Oh, Hikaru, please. You know it won't be your fault if.. I mean _when_ I die, and you know I would never blame you. I.. I deserve this." 

There was no lie in Kaoru's voice when he spoke, even having the nerve to put one red colored hand to Hikaru's face. His hand didn't touch Hikaru, mostly scared of ruining his brother's image. He just shone a big fake smile, turning his back to grab the knife. 

Hikaru just stood still. His mind couldn't think properly and his heart itself felt like it was breaking. It was only until Kaoru mumbled, what seemed to be, his last words when Hikaru finally focused. He swatted the knife away, picking up Kaoru in a bridal style hold. 

Kaoru let out a loud squeak, keeping his bloodied hands to himself, not wanting to spoil his clothes. 

"H-Hikaru! What are you doing?!" 

Even at his worst moment, Hikaru couldn't bring himself to hate him. 

"Come on. I'm going to clean you up." 

"W-What?! Hikaru! Let me down!" 

"No!" He said firmly, ignoring Kaoru's burning gaze. 

"Hikaru. Let. Me. Down. _Now_." 

A irritated growl escaped Hikaru as he slowly let him down. "Fine. But you aren't getting any more cuts." 

That seemed to tick off Kaoru. 

"What?! Why not? Don't be a brat, Hikaru. I get that you're scared I'll blame you or something but I already said I wouldn't. So just let me suffer!" 

Hikaru lost his temper as well, "Well, _excuse me_ for wanting the _love of my life_ to grow up happy and healthy!" 

"Wait.. What?" Kaoru questioned, his eyes turning big as if he was pleading. 

Once Hikaru realized what he said, he turned into a bright shade of red. He covered his mouth, looking to the side, "It was nothing." 

Kaoru wouldn't have it. He gripped Hikaru's shirt tightly, looking at him with big wet eyes, his voice broken when he says, "please." 

Sighing, Hikaru turned to Kaoru to look at him the face. He put on the straightest, something he's not anymore, face possible and said, "I said that you are the love of my life. And I want to be with you, Kaoru. I want to make sure you are happy and keep on smiling that gorgeous smile. I want to be beside you forever." 

At one point, Hikaru must've let down his walls because half of those words were supposed to stay in his mind. Oh well. 

The younger twin remained silent as if he was evaluating if what Hikaru said was true or not. 

Then after a minute or two, he mumbled a simple question, "really?" 

The pure simpleness of the question startled Hikaru. He lifted his brother's face with his fingers on his chin. Then he gave Kaoru the most honest smile he could muster saying, "Of course." 

Kaoru teared up again. "Why?" It came out as a whisper and timid but Hikaru heard. 

He gave Kaoru a tight hug, stroking his head lightly, "What do you mean 'why'? You're all I've ever wanted and more.." 

Apparently Kaoru didn't accept that. "Everything you've ever wanted? Hikaru! Are you blind?! Look at me!_ Look_ at me." 

Hikaru ignored his sudden outburst, his face morphing into a confused look, "I thought I was." 

Kaoru dropped his shoulders, losing hope along with it. "Hikaru. My dear, dear Hikaru. Open your eyes. You don't love me. You can't! I'm.. not worth it. I don't deserve it." 

He mumbled softly, continuing when he saw his brother about to protest, "Hikaru. I have loved you since I was little and I knew you'd never love me back in that way. And I'm _fine_ with it." He lied through his teeth. "But if I were to ever ruin your future with my disgusting love, then I could never be able to live with myself." 

Hikaru's face became one big frown, "Do you really think that?" 

Kaoru looked up at him with empty eyes, "It's what I thought since I was little." 

"Then what you think about this..?" Hikaru mumbled before swooping in for a kiss. Kaoru let out a small squel from shock, quickly realizing what was going. He accepted the kiss, his hands latching onto Hikaru's shirt desperately as if he was terrified that if he let go, his brother would disappear. Hikaru tightened his hold on Kaoru as well. 

The kiss was sloppy and Hikaru definitely wanted a do-over when the drama was over but it was enough. Kaoru messily molded his mouth to fit with Hikaru's, tears freely running down his face. It was only until they both needed air when they stopped kissing, Kaoru's hands still gripping Hikaru's shirt. Hikaru could feel the some of blood wipe off of his shirt but he couldn't bring himself to care. 

He embraced Kaoru in a hug, listening as his brother sobbed into his shoulder. Hikaru rubbed Kaoru's back in consolement, whisper sweet nothings into his ear. One of them being the occasional "I love you"'s. He felt Kaoru breathing hitch everytime he said it though.

After a minute or two, Kaoru managed to calm down, apologizing quietly as he removed his hands. Then he looked up, expecting some disgusted expression with cruel words to follow. Instead, Hikaru just gave him a smile. 

A sniffle escaped Kaoru and then tears came down again. He covered his face with his hands, crying again. He whispered countless sorries and some promises of never doing it again. Hikaru hugged Kaoru again. 

"Hey.. Don't cry again. Aren't your eyes out of tears yet?" Hikaru's smiled grew when he heard Kaoru's quiet laugh. "How 'bout this? I get you cleaned up and then we go get some ice cream." Kaoru didn't answer, still concerned and ashamed. 

Hikaru held Kaoru's hands, "Come on. I'll buy you as many flavors as you want." He added. 

The young twin flashed a small smile, whispering cautiously, "Can I get three scopes?" 

Hikaru's heart jumped to his throat and his eyes looked at him lovingly. It's rare to see his twin actually act like the younger twin since he always was the mature one between them. _How can someone be so cute!_

"Of course, Kaoru." He replied, dragging Kaoru to the restroom. He twisted the knob before pulling it and pushing it aggressively. 

"Why won't this door open?!" Hikaru grumbled to himself. Then he felt a small tug on his shirt. "Yes, what it is, Kaoru?" 

"I.. The key is under the bed..." He mumbled, clearly ashamed. 

Hikaru let out a puff of air, already making his way to the bed. Kaoru half-expected his twin to bend down and reach under but nope! His brother did something else.

Kaoru swore Hikaru was smirking when he kicked Kaoru's bed, barely budging it. He saw the silver tint of the key, grinning as he swooped it up. He turned to face Kaoru, a triumph grin covering his face. He looked so proud of himself for _kicking_ his brother's bed that Kaoru had to resist the urge to laugh. 

Hikaru saw the ends of Kaoru's lips turn into a small smile, affection for his brother spread across his chest. He even mumbled, "God, I just _love_ you." Hikaru even swore that his eyes fucking grew hearts. 

Kaoru let out a breathless gasp, a deep shade of red painting Kaoru's face like an empty canvas. Kaoru covered his face, "Hikaaa!! You can't _just_ say that to me!" 

Hikaru simply chuckled, walking by Kaoru's side. He pressed a sweet kiss onto his brother's forehead, slipping the key in its lock. 

"Heh, sorry, Kaoru. It's not my fault that you're so damn cute though." Kaoru let out a pout. 

The younger twin opened the door for both of them, leading themselves inside. Hikaru didn't quite like what he saw. There were white sheets and blankets with a damp colored spot hanging to dry. Kaoru shyly looked away, hoping Hikaru would not ask about it. 

"What are..?" 

"Ah, Hikaru! Where should I sit? Or um, should I get the first aid kit?" Kaoru rushed, words tumbling out of his mouth. 

Hikaru gave a suspicious glance, sitting carefully on the edge of the bathtub. "No, it's okay." He replied, dropping the topic. He did take a note of the sigh of relief leaving Kaoru's lips though. "But could you sit down and show me your arm?" That got Kaoru moving.

He sat down next to him, his hand trembling as they slowly lifted his sleeves. After a few cuts came into the light, he stopped short. He knew what was ahead and that was something Kaoru really was starting to regret. He gave a pleading glance to Hikaru, softly lying, "um, that's all!" He even added some jazz hands to make it sound realistic.

A unconvinced burrow of Hikaru's eyebrows shook Kaoru. Hikaru grabbed the sleeve as gently as he could, rolling it up to reveal what was hidden beneath. He really did not like what he saw. 

Most scars were fine, a few with already forming scabs. Then there were some that were healing. And then there are those that look like it's been infected. The skin around those cuts were swelling and puffy, angry marks running through. 

"Kaoru.. What's this?" He asked, a slight angry tone behind it. 

"Um uh.. Haha.. Funny story, I had a really bad dream that you.. Well, didn't like me anymore! And well you said some cruel stuff-" Kaoru mentioned, kind of wanting to eat his words up when he saw his brother's hurt expression. "-uh! But they weren't that harsh! I mean, it was only the truth and it wasn't like anything you said was _wrong_ so it was okay! Anyways, I went a bit depresso and decided to not use the rubbing alcohol to um disinfect my cuts." 

Kaoru screwed his eyes shut, turning away from Hikaru's piercing gaze. And would you believe him if he said that he expected his brother to hit him? Well, he did, except that Hikaru didn't. He just gave a slightly pissed expression, reaching for the rubbing alcohol. 

"Kaoru. I know you're sick of hearing this from me but _please_ don't injure yourself." Kaoru heard Hikaru murmer. Kaoru felt his heart wince. 

"Sorry, Hikaru. I won't do it again.." Which may or may not be a lie. It really depends on the situation. But Kaoru made a secret promise that he would at least try to. 

Hikaru huffed, placing a loving kiss on his twin's forehead. "I know you won't." He even gave a smile to boot. 

Kaoru smiled back, hugging his brother tightly. 

"But that doesn't mean that you aren't sleeping with me again!" Hikaru growled, hugging Kaoru possesively. "I'm never going to let you go anywhere without me ever again!" 

Kaoru gasped, flustered by his brother's blunt words. He nodded happily, digging his face into Hikaru's stomach. He let out a muffled "i love you," relishing in the feeling when he heads Hikaru say it back. 

"Now can I see all your other cuts?" 

Kaoru slipped off of his pants, showing a half-scarred thigh and the other thigh being covered in them. Kaoru didn't have to look to see Hikaru's frown. 

Hikaru got a warm, wet towel, lightly rubbing against the wounds. And while he did that, he began to examine the words carved into his twin's skin. His frown grew more when he read the words written. One thigh had the word "useless" written into it, and another had the words, "i'm sorry." Some of the other cuts even had small inscriptions written under it with a black marker. Hikaru rubbed those off first, the sight of them sickening. When he heard Kaoru hiss in pain, his eyes sent unspoken apologies, applying more isopropyl and soap into the situation. Kaoru clenched onto the shower curtains, watery tears biting at his eyes. Who knew it would sting this much? Even so, Kaoru managed to whisper a trembling apology, his eyes holding a deep sorrow inside them. Hikaru kissed above a particularly deep cut in response. 

This went on for a while; Hikaru softly placing light kisses onto forming scars before he applied the rubbing alcohol. Kaoru could tell Hikaru felt bad. He would occasionally brush his hands onto Hikaru's hair, reassuring his brother that it's okay. That he's okay. It was also to remind himself that this was actually happening but he would never tell. 

Once the clean up proccess was done, they both exited the bathroom, Kaoru's hand intertwined in Hikaru's. They sat on Kaoru's messy bed, Hikaru looking at Kaoru's eyes silently. It was a while until either one of them spoke.

"Hikaru.. I.. I know I already asked this a lot and I'm sorry for that.. But are you sure about.. us?" 

Concern filled Hikaru's eyes as his thumb rubbed gently against the back of Kaoru's hands. He pulled one of his hands closer to his face, kissing inside of his palm.

"Yeah. One-hundred percent. Why?" Hikaru mused, peppering small kisses on Kaoru's palm.

Kaoru shifted, his nerves on end. "Because.. incest isn't legal and.. maybe you'd want to rethink this.." 

Hikaru pondered for a moment, growing very still. Sure, Kaoru was right and they would be in great trouble if they were caught, but Hikaru was willing to take the risk. 

"If it's for you, I'm willing." He said softly yet full of love that a shudder run through Kaoru's spine. And before Kaoru could even stop it, a hiccup came, then a tear, then a flood. Hikaru was in surprise.

"Kao? W-wha? What's wrong? Is it something I said?" 

Kaoru shook his head, now clinging onto Hikaru, sobbing loudly into his shirt. He heaved as he said, "i love you" countless times. And sure it was muffled and could be interpreted as something completely different, but Hikaru knew was his lover was saying. 

He patted his head gently, leaning down to whisper back, "I love you, too." 

**"And I'll love you forever." **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welp thats it. hoped u enjoy the ride. sorry if the writing sucked.
> 
> EXTRA DIALOGUE: 
> 
> hikaru: wait.. What was my dream then?  
haruhi: what dream?  
hikaru: our shared dream  
haruhi: *nervous laughter* we shared a dream? I recall dreaming about a pig last night though.  
hikaru: *being his dense self* maybe it was just a illusion of you.. 
> 
> later... 
> 
> haruhi: *mentally slapping herself* fucking dumbass i am. had to go be a little idiot and make things worse.

**Author's Note:**

> Moving onto the next, warning! More sel-harm awaits.


End file.
